Almost 3 weeks ago, I read positive on a pregnancy test! My dream of becoming a mom, was beginning. well, maybe I should call it a hidden dream, one left unthought of, that is, until I got married. Prior to my wedding, last November, having a kid was one of the scariest things I could think of happening soon! It wasn't because I had "so much life to still live", I was "too young", or "I want to focus on my career (what career?)." It was simply because this world is a scary place to be responsible for something so precious to life and myself. Having a kid? what if I messed up and it cost losing my child? what if something happened to them that I couldn't control? Like what if they were taken from me? Forced to do something I prayed so hard that they would never have to face? Could my heart even bare losing someone so dear to me and eventually continue to seek out the goodness in life again?
I remember agreeing with my best friend, we are never going to have kids. Somewhere along the line of meeting the Love of my life, finding a home in each other, and facing more of my clinging fear, a foreign -yet familiar- hope, unlocked. If I was created to do good, and be good and create good... how could I not want to create life inside of me? I am an artist. I naturally seek to bring out beauty and life and the unseen goodness. And so, it clicked in me, nearly 9 months into my marriage, that I was destined, called even, to be a mom. Today, I stepped into the doctors office off of Clara St. (how ironic) for the first time in maybe too long and felt as though, I stepped into my big girl shoes. There is something sweet and honestly, that makes me want to sweat a little, about stepping onto the Baby floor of a hospital because you are expecting. I'll admit, my legs were a bit shaky (another thing that happens when I get nervous), since this appointment included a PAP smear, pelvic exam, and blood work. My mom was with me, surprisingly. I am a very awkward person when it comes to my body or the doctor or the doctor touching my body...so my first thought was to get in and out of there, as fast as I can, alone. Nobody will ever have to speak of this day other than me, myself, and I (and possibly my doctor.) However, my mom came with. She was a good emotional support friend to have by me as they asked a lot of questions and shoved things up my hoo-haa. She made me feel important and capable of taking on a healthy, mommy-woman lifestyle. (Thanks Mom!)
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