Well, as you can see I am a little bad at commitment, but that's okay.
Coming up on 5 months of pregnancy..wow. I tell you what, I have learned some scary things and some precious things and dealt with emotions that had me throwing my shoes at the wall, just "missing" my husband. Um, I think that's normal right? I've been told that life with a human inside you can be a little overwhelming at times, or all the time, or not at all.. Well, nobody actually told me that last part. There is some overwhelming feeling to some degree for everybody who is preggers. So, I'm not alone. How neat is that! This whole year has been the longest and quickest piece of crap that I have ever been a part of. I feel like everybody can agree with me that "what the heck did 2020 have against us?!?!" Seriously, it's like there was New Years and then Valentines Day and then all of a sudden a life threatening virus was making it's way across the world. I remember the day I heard about it and started wondering the tragic things that could happen this year for my family. Losing my husband, losing my folks, imagining how hard it must be for others who will go through that same thing. I definitely had to take a deep breath and focus on the "now" the only step infant of me that I can take and think about. Come about February, I'd say, Daniel (my hubs) and I had began looking for a house with an alright savings account made up and a very positive outlook on how this could go. First time home buyers here, by the way. We looked and looked and looked. We talked to banks, to close friends, to our parents even, to realtors, to every freakin' person who might know of another way on how to just own a stinkin' piece of property! On top of non of those conversations of house tours working out for our good, the virus was spreading fast. Before we knew it, summer was beginning with a total shut down of everything. Masks on. Sanitizers up. And don't show human affection or touching in any form. While people were locking themselves in their houses for weeks on end, I honestly don't think I have quarantined myself at all. I take that back. I spent one day inside because I had no car to go anywhere. I went crazy. Either way, me and everybody around me were definitely shoved into a fearful mindset of constantly wondering if Corona was hanging out around the corner, waiting to clog up my breathing tubes. I have yet to get it, thank God. But I have definitely experienced some sorrow and fear from nearly losing several loved ones to the stinking' disease. It hurts to see someone fighting soooo hard to stay alive. But it is so exhilarating to see them making it through. Anyway, back to the house hunt. It is still going, incase you were wondering. Oh, and on top not finding anything, we weren't able to afford our own rent as it is, so now, here we are in 10x10 room with my two fur babies, me, my husband, and my kicking baby. Did you say overwhelming? There has definitely been multiple weeks and days and hours just full of crying and questioning and shrugs away from my husbands hugs. I hate myself for that. Part of me knows its the baby. But a bigger part of me thinks I am strong enough to not lose myself so much to emotions and anger. But then another part of me believes that some times in pregnancy, ya just gotta trudge on through. And that's okay. Week 10, I showed up to my midwive's office for the first appointment in the Natural Birthing Center. I don't know if it was just all the exceptions of everything other ladies and friends had told me about having midwife, but I walked in those doors, and immediately felt at peace. Home, even. I don't even know why. Don't ask me why, I felt so restful talking to a lady I'd never met, as she rubbed gel all over my belly, trying to hold back tears when she asked me how I was doing. I felt like she listened though. (And bless his heart, I know that my husband listens to me at times, but for some reason there is often a little devil on my shoulder telling me he's thinking about the song playing on the radio.) Anyway, she asked. I told her how emotional I had been feeling, how my papa was on the downhill journey to death, and the rest of my family are fighting off corona from a family gathering, and that I threw my shoe at my husband, and that I gotta pee atlas three times an hour and that I have to live with my parents and that I just feel super overwhelmed and tired and like men don't understand and I just want to know God and ..... Did you catch any of that? Yeah, you can imagine the scene of a pregnant 23 year old showing up in a check up room, spilling her guts, being comforted by the doc, and then coming up out of that dark hole.. She got the little thingy with the gel on it out to check my baby's heartbeat for the first time. Took a few minutes, no worries (I was worrying), she got another 2 doctors to come in a help, they laughed and tried to change the subject, I was slowly losing my good vibes smile... but then I heard it. It sounded like a Choo-choo train. 170BPM. So fast, so full of energy it seemed. I took a deep breathe. To my surprise, I didn't cry, though I am while writing this. It was a good feeling. A rest I had been needing for a while. A rest that everything is as it should be and this baby is growing, inside me, so it can be born and begin a life of endless possibilities. That's in me! I am growing that! I wiped that gel (felt like lube) off myself, took that birthing class pamphlet, and walked out of that hospital in a more hopeful mood than I walked in there with. She told me that weeks 9-13 are the worst emotionally. That I can look forward to things possibly looking up soon. That was a good thought. So, here I am, week 19. No tears today, I don't think. Though I did just cry at the mom-daughter scene in the new Croods movie this week. Either way, I'm okay. We find out the gender of my sweet little something on Monday. I am beyond excited to meet it. To see is grow, and make that adorably ugly crying sound at night, and to feed it from my boobs, and to watch it try to hold up its tiny wobbly head. All of this 2020 crap, all the tears and all the laughing at random jokes of shirts, it's all part of the process right? Part of the journey, of the life of endless possibilities that I was born into, right? That's a good thought.
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